It’s 9:35pm. I’m singing along to Maverick City Music, giving praises to God, grabbing palms full of Shea Moisture products, as I twist my kinky, curly hair. Now, I don’t know what it is about my bathroom and my car, but The Spirit of The Lord always takes over in those two places! And tonight, His still, small voice arrested me. Just as I was about to finish up my two strand twists, put on my leopard print bonnet, and climb into bed, The Lord said to me “Your breakthrough is in your vulnerability.” Immediately, I felt uncomfortable, because God knows one of the hardest things for me to do, is to share the same space with vulnerability! Me? Noo. I’m strong. I’ve got this. I don’t have to share what I’m “feeling.”
I thought back to a moment I am not so proud of, that happened around my birthday; I made my mom cry. My heart began to sank as my eyes filled with tears. “But God..” I said, quietly in my own thoughts, “I apologized for making her upset, and she accepted.” He gently replied, “You have been mean to her.” I sighed with great regret, finding it even more difficult to hold back the tears, because it was true. I do not know why, but as of the past few months, I have been very unpleasant. Particularly towards my mom.. someone who would move mountains for me! In a matter of minutes, I thought of many possible ways to avoid what I know God was asking me to do, but I was quickly reminded of the things I had just written down and prayed over, so that God would transform me, by the renewal of my heart and mind. And here it is, the first test, 48 hours later. Unhurriedly, I put my hair products, combs, and brush away, took a deep breath, and said “Lord, give me the words to say.” I went to my mother, and prepared myself for the humility that was about to take place, face to face.
Tonight, I realized that I must first, be the person that I portray to the outside world, to my inner circle. None of the Facebook postings, blogs, or encouraging words matter, if I don’t, first learn to be good to those closest to me. From the outside looking in, you could seem flaw free, but what about the strife that is taking place in your own heart? In your own home? Are you just going to ignore it, while presenting yourself to be so graceful to those who don’t even know you? What matters most is WHO the people around you, KNOW you to be! How do you treat them? Who you desire to be in the outside world won’t work, if it doesn’t match your REAL world. I thank God for breaking down those walls, because I can only hide behind my pen for so long. At some point, there has to be a confession made by mouth, that my heart agrees with! I have never been a fan of being vulnerable, but God made it clear to me, on tonight, that He has covered me long enough. There’s so many things that I have expected Him to bail me out of, (and He has!) but it’s time to face my own fears.
The most relieving part of it all, is that He had me! The entire time. He didn’t allow me to cop out, or play it safe. I admired my ability to shut down pride and exhibit repentance, almost effortlessly. And that is my hope for you. I pray that this reaches you at your most hidden place. The part of you that you know you need to surrender to God, but you’re afraid, because you want to control it. Loosen your grip. I promise things won’t fall apart.
“Humble yourselves before The Lord, and He will lift you up.”
James 4:10 NIV